Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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