Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
