I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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