did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
