He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
