i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
