Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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