She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
