how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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