The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
