I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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