Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
