i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
