Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
