I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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