tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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