Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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