There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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