God gave him joint rollers for hands
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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