i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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