Who wears a wallet chain?!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
