just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
