First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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