Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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