Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
