Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize