omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
