he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
