Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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