even my farts smell like vagina
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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