Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
