No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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