i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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