life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
