We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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