Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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