If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
