Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
and eventually we just all took our pants off
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
