Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
