I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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