honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
