On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
