There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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