There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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