Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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