Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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