does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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