so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
