I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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