I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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