I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
