peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
