Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
