He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
