My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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