i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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