I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
