Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
