I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
