Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
50% drunk capacity currently
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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